Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 13)

Writing for Emotional Development

 One way writing helps one emotionally is in the area of catharsis which the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary (1998:176) defines as “the process of releasing strong feelings, e.g. through drama or other artistic activities, as a way of providing relief from anger, suffering, etc.”

When in an emotional state that disturbs your equanimity, picking up a pen to write exactly how you feel is a sure way of tranquillising the storms in your mind. No matter the gibberish you may write or how incoherent your thought-flow may be, simply pouring out your heart on paper is able to sufficiently calm you down and prevent you from acting out of place.

Another way you can use writing to achieve an emotional end is by documenting your feelings of attraction or affection for another person, usually the opposite sex. Such writings are usually a better and more accurate representation of the depth of one’s feeling than words of mouth can express. The rhythmical quality of such lettered emotions are also poetic.  That is why Wordsworth describes poetry as ‘the spontaneous overflow of powerful feeling recollected in tranquillity’.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 12)

Writing for Personal Development

The Cambridge International Dictionary of English (1996:1692) defines writing as “the activity of creating pieces of writing work, such as stories, poems or articles”.  In the words of Beck et al (2002:31), “writing is a method of passing information from one person to another, or to a group of people”. They however did not limit writing’s function to information alone, as they also cite persuasion and entertainment as veritable resources to which writing can be put to.

Of the four communication skills, writing is the least utilized for obvious reasons. It requires a great expenditure of time and mental efforts to write. It is a process of drafting, editing, and redrafting to usually arrive at an acceptable finished product. The more reason it has been a highly prized communication skill throughout history. Its mastery confers great powers and influence on whoever possesses it (Beck et al, 2002), Hence the popular saying that “the pen is mightier than the sword”.

The beauty of writing is not usually in its volumes, but in the style and the effectiveness of the content in achieving the set objective(s) of the writer. Effective writing essentially thrives on clarity, precision, and conciseness. In the words of Adesanoye (1995:115):

Effective writing…is a piece of written communication that conveys its message in the simplest, clearest, most concise and most readable way possible. It is also that piece of writing in which the manner of expression dovetails perfectly with the subject matter; one in which…there is a close fit between what and how.

Simplicity, clarity, readability and conciseness are thus the hallmarks of effective writing.

With this background on writing, we shall now proceed to highlight how it can be used for various forms of personal development.

Writing aids the development of the mental faculty because, more than any communication effort, it involves a lot of thinking. The writer often finds himself writing, cancelling and rewording his expressions in the effort to choose the words that will most suitably convey his heart to his reader(s). In the process of doing this, he regularly consult the dictionary and thesaurus, thereby increasing his bank of vocabulary while at the same time honing his intellect. 

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 11)

Speaking for Social Integration 

Speaking can be a great social asset to anyone who uses it wisely. This presupposes that there are unwise uses of the mouth. Some of the ways words can be used unwisely include:

§  Criticism and condemnation

§  Argument

§  Insulting or Abusing another/Denigration of another person.

On the other hand, the productive use of the spoken words can enhance one’s social acceptance and integration. Some of the positive uses of the tongue towards social development are:

§  Encouragement or positive reinforcement

§  Appreciation of the other person

§  Counsel and advice

Let us first examine the various wrong uses of the words in social interaction: Criticism is one thing most of us find so easy to do: we criticize the government, we criticize our friends and colleagues, we criticize our leaders and bosses; and we criticize people who are not even remotely related to us. However, the amusing part of this is that most of us never or rarely criticize ourselves. We are the saints in the spectrum of our own opinion.

Meanwhile, if you must fare well in the society of men, one lesson you must learn very well is how to keep your critical opinion of others to yourself; you must learn to be less judgmental and accept people for what they are, warts and all. Just like you and I, people rarely criticize themselves for whatever reason. If asked, everyone would proffer a reason for doing whatever they are being criticized for - irrespective of how unreasonable it may sound to others.  Therefore, criticizing such a person will definitely not be the best way to ingratiate yourself, but a sure way of ending up in his black book forever. Carnegie (1940:35) says this better:

If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism – no matter how certain we are that it is justified. 

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

This tells us what a great harm we cause others by indulging in the easy act of criticism.  Anyone who is habitually critical will not have friends, as people will avoid intimate relationship with him. For as the Bible says, a man who would have many friends must first make himself friendly, not by criticism, but by warm disposition.

While criticism is a negative comment on the action, attitude, works, or behaviour of someone else, condemnation is a judgmental remark about someone’s personality. Condemnation is stronger and more dangerous than criticism because of its directness.

Anyone who is critical will also be judgmental. And a judgmental person rarely has friends due to his disposition. People avoid such a person like a plague because they are not usually good company to have around. A critical and judgmental person cannot integrate well in the society because people will not accept him except they have no choice.

Besides, habitually condemning others is playing God. This, in itself, is a most grievous offence because there is no perfect person under heaven, and so no mortal has the locus standi to judge the personality of another. Moreover, the only perfect Person Who has ever lived did not go around condemning people in His days, which makes it more unjustifiable for any lesser mortal to do so; instead He welcomed all to Himself and was especially friendly with those who were considered outcast in the society because of their intolerable vices.

The case of a woman who was “caught in the very act” of adultery was particularly striking in this instance.  Knowing His disposition to all sinners, the Pharisees and experts in the law dragged the woman to Him desiring to hear His opinion before they go ahead anyway to stone her to death as the law decreed for such offence:

They said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throne a stone at her first”. And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”  She said, “No one, Lord”.  And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more. (John 8:4-11).

In this wise, Carnegie (1940:36), quoting Johnson, says “God Himself does not propose to judge a man until the end of his days, why should I?”

Argument is another wrong use of the mouth because it breeds nothing but ill will. Nobody likes to lose an argument, which is why people will continue to argue on and on in order to save face, even after they discover that they are wrong. You can then imagine how the society will react to anyone who is parochial and argumentative. Such a person does not usually enjoy societal acceptance, and the degree that the society accepts you is the degree to which you can be integrated therein for your own good. Here is Carnegie’s (1940:132-133) advice on how to treat argument:

I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants being more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.  You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.

So rather than indulge in an argument that will end up fostering ill-will between you and others, why not expend your effort speaking on common grounds that will be of benefit to you all.  And in line with this beneficial discourse, let us now consider some of the right uses of the speaking skill for social development.

The first thing to note in this regard is that the content of your spoken communication is usually a strong indication of the workings of your mind as well as your total personality. The Bible says, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7), while another verse says, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). These passages establish the relationship between the man, his words and his thoughts. Benson (undated:154) says, “weak minds talk about people; mediocre minds talk about events, but great minds talk about ideas”.

In a related comment, Fieger also (2005) says:

Below average people talk about other people; average people talk about things, events and circumstances; above average people talk about ideas; supper successful people talk about their own ideas and visions.

He further expatiates thus:

Below average people are affirming the success (or failure) of others; average people are affirming the control that outside things, events and circumstances have on their success (or failure); above average people are affirming that it is ideas that contribute to success; super successful people are affirming that their own success and destiny is in their own ideas and visions.

All these tell you that a high expectation is required in the contents of your spoken communication with other people. Platitudes and other debased words should be far from your mouth as a communicator. Let us now consider the right application of the speaking skills in social discourse.

As stressed in the quotes above, exchange of ideas, ideals, and vision with other people is usually a stimulating experience. It takes deep thinking and observation to derive ideas, ideals and vision. Therefore, a social intercourse geared toward this end cannot but be rewarding to all participants.  Although, it may not be so easy to be an idealist or visionary speaker at first, but continual effort will make it a habit and elevate the person above the level of the commons to the height of nobility.       

Self-disclosure is another positive use to which the tongue can be deployed for social integration.  According to Tardy and Dindia (1997), self-disclosure has the potential to change the direction, the definition, as well as the intensity of relationships.  They also posit that it helps in the initiation and maintenance of meaningful relationship, hence the social development of the persons involved.

The last recommended use of the tongue in social discourse, which we shall consider in this paper, is Appreciation or Positive Reinforcement, as it is otherwise called. Words of appreciation and compliment cost a speaker nothing but his or her ego. And since most people do not want to see others better than themselves, they would rather hold back the compliment or words of encouragement due to such persons so that they do not affirm the betterment of that person compared to themselves.

However, in order to achieve social integration, a communicator has to live above himself and express sincere compliment to whom it is due. By doing this, you are not just making yourself acceptable, but you are also adding immense value to the other person by reinforcing him or her to repeat in the future the noble act for which you are complimenting him.

Indeed, in the words of Benson (undated), we all live by encouragement and die without it – slowly, sadly and angrily. Workers need the encouragement of their superiors to perform better; bosses need the positive feedback of their workers to do better; children need the encouragement of their parents to develop into rounded individuals; parents need the appreciation of their children to boost their self esteem; husband and wife, friends, and colleagues need the encouragement of one another to perform better. So, it is a symbiotic phenomenon.           

To wrap up our discourse on the importance of appreciation in enhancing social fitness, let us consider the words of Charles Schwab, former president of the US Steel and one of the first two people to ever earn a million dollars as salary in a year.  He is quoted by Carnegie (1940:43-44) to have said:

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men… the greatest asset I posses, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.

There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticism from his superiors. I never criticize anyone… I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise

In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great men in various parts of the world… I have yet to find the man, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth a greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.

No wonder he was considered one of the finest men in corporate history. Anyone who wants the world to beat a footpath to his house must be generous with compliment and encouragement. There is no better way to always have good company around you than by lavishing praise on and approbating people heartily.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 10)

Reading for Personal Development

Reading is perhaps the most influential of the communication skills in the development of the individual. Reading, like listening, is a receptive communication skill. It is done by consciously inputting information into one’s consciousness through the eyes and the brain. The more of it you do, the better, improved, enhanced, and versatile you will become.

There is no way we can talk about reading in isolation of books. Books are the main objects in a reading exercise, and a very important one too. Explaining the role of the book in attaining development of any kind, Dr. Alex Ekwueme, cited by Adesanoye (1995:2), says:

In as much as education is the backbone of… development, and the book is the principal element in the educational process, the book deserves a place of honour in our…(personal) priorities. The book is a passport to the world, an indispensable vehicle of science, a storehouse and conveyor of culture and information, and a vital ingredient for development. The importance of books in the development of man and in the fulfilment of his potential can never, therefore, be overstressed.

It is a popular saying that “readers are leaders”. Therefore, anyone who desires to build a life of prominence must cultivate the habit of reading. Someone, somewhere has documented in a book all you need to succeed in life or solve a particular problem. The onus, therefore, lies on you to seek the relevant publications that address your issues, read and apply their principles. To underscore this position, Rohn (2005b) says:

All of the books that we will ever need to make us as rich, as healthy, as happy, as powerful, as sophisticated and as successful as we want to be have already been written.

People from all walks of life, people with some of the most incredible life experiences, people that have gone from pennies to fortune and from failure to success have taken the time to write down their experience so that we can be inspired by it [sic], and instructed by it [sic], and so that we can amend our philosophy by it [sic]. Their contributions enable us to reset our sail based upon their experiences. They have handed us the gift of their insights so that we can arrange our plans, if need be, in order to avoid their errors. We can rearrange our lives based on their wise advice.

However, it is unfortunate that most people do not read except they are compelled to, usually for academic reasons. The reading culture, especially in this part of the world, is at the lowest ebb. People place more importance on other activities rather than reading. It is in this part of the world that we have many literate illiterates. These are people who can amply be described by the aphorism that says “he who does not read has no advantage over him who cannot read”. Illiteracy consists not only in the inability to read and write alone, rather, a person who can read and write but who do not put these skills to use is as illiterate as the one who cannot.

Commenting on the phenomenon of bad reading culture, Rohn (2005b) says:

The issue is not that books are too expensive! If a person concludes that the price of the book is too great, wait until he must pay the price for not buying it.  Wait until he receives the bill for continued and prolonged ignorance.

There is very little difference between someone who cannot read and someone who will not read.  The result of either is ignorance.  Those who are serious seekers of personal development must remove the self-imposed limitations they have placed on their reading skills and their reading habit.

Proffering a solution to reverse the trend of deficient reading culture among people across the world, Carson (1991:203) a world renowned neurosurgeon and author says:

The biggest reason most people have trouble reading is that they do not do enough of it- and they do not do it fast enough…

What is true of many things in life is definitely true of reading: the more you do it, the easier it gets. And the easier it gets, the more efficiently you can extract relevant data from the printed page – not just breadth of information but also depth.

With this background on the essence of reading, let us now go on to see how we can utilize this skill for different forms of personal development.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 9)

Speaking for Professional Development

The art of elocution is one of the greatest personal assets one can use for personal advancement.  The extent to which one has this skill will play a great role in how he is esteemed by others as well as his ascension of the corporate ladder.  Lending credence to this verity, Depew, as cited by Carnegie (1957:19), says: ‘There is no other accomplishment which any man can have that will so quickly make for him a career and secure recognition as the ability to speak acceptably’.

The art of speaking in this regard is not limited to public speaking alone.  Other contexts of speech communication are included as well. A man who has a good command of his language of communication will always enjoy preferential consideration at the workplace above his colleagues who are not as endowed. Carnegie (1957:19), while enumerating the benefits of possessing a good speaking skill, says:

What additional self-confidence the ability to talk more convincingly in public will mean to you. Think of what it may mean and what it ought to mean in dollars and cents. Think of what it may mean to you socially; of the friends it will bring, of the increase of your personal influence, of the leadership it will give you. And it will give you leadership more rapidly than almost any other activity you can think of or imagine.

Beside facilitating accelerated promotion and influence at the work place, the art of elocution will also bring in more clients, customers and supporters for those whose stock in trade involves much speaking, either in public or to individuals. It therefore behoves anyone who aspire to pursue a career in this line to thoroughly learn his subject matter, the mechanics of his language of communication, as well as the art of effective delivery. These are the ingredients that will determine, to a large extent, how he fares in his chosen vocation.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 8)

Speaking for Social Integration 

Speaking can be a great social asset to anyone who uses it wisely. This presupposes that there are unwise uses of the mouth. Some of the ways words can be used unwisely include:

§  Criticism and condemnation

§  Argument

§  Insulting or Abusing another/Denigration of another person.

On the other hand, the productive use of the spoken words can enhance one’s social acceptance and integration. Some of the positive uses of the tongue towards social development are:

§  Encouragement or positive reinforcement

§  Appreciation of the other person

§  Counsel and advice

Let us first examine the various wrong uses of the words in social interaction: Criticism is one thing most of us find so easy to do: we criticize the government, we criticize our friends and colleagues, we criticize our leaders and bosses; and we criticize people who are not even remotely related to us. However, the amusing part of this is that most of us never or rarely criticize ourselves. We are the saints in the spectrum of our own opinion.

Meanwhile, if you must fare well in the society of men, one lesson you must learn very well is how to keep your critical opinion of others to yourself; you must learn to be less judgmental and accept people for what they are, warts and all. Just like you and I, people rarely criticize themselves for whatever reason. If asked, everyone would proffer a reason for doing whatever they are being criticized for - irrespective of how unreasonable it may sound to others.  Therefore, criticizing such a person will definitely not be the best way to ingratiate yourself, but a sure way of ending up in his black book forever. Carnegie (1940:35) says this better:

If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism – no matter how certain we are that it is justified. 

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

This tells us what a great harm we cause others by indulging in the easy act of criticism.  Anyone who is habitually critical will not have friends, as people will avoid intimate relationship with him. For as the Bible says, a man who would have many friends must first make himself friendly, not by criticism, but by warm disposition.

While criticism is a negative comment on the action, attitude, works, or behaviour of someone else, condemnation is a judgmental remark about someone’s personality. Condemnation is stronger and more dangerous than criticism because of its directness.

Anyone who is critical will also be judgmental. And a judgmental person rarely has friends due to his disposition. People avoid such a person like a plague because they are not usually good company to have around. A critical and judgmental person cannot integrate well in the society because people will not accept him except they have no choice.

Besides, habitually condemning others is playing God. This, in itself, is a most grievous offence because there is no perfect person under heaven, and so no mortal has the locus standi to judge the personality of another. Moreover, the only perfect Person Who has ever lived did not go around condemning people in His days, which makes it more unjustifiable for any lesser mortal to do so; instead He welcomed all to Himself and was especially friendly with those who were considered outcast in the society because of their intolerable vices.

The case of a woman who was “caught in the very act” of adultery was particularly striking in this instance.  Knowing His disposition to all sinners, the Pharisees and experts in the law dragged the woman to Him desiring to hear His opinion before they go ahead anyway to stone her to death as the law decreed for such offence:

They said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throne a stone at her first”. And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”  She said, “No one, Lord”.  And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more. (John 8:4-11).

In this wise, Carnegie (1940:36), quoting Johnson, says “God Himself does not propose to judge a man until the end of his days, why should I?”

Argument is another wrong use of the mouth because it breeds nothing but ill will. Nobody likes to lose an argument, which is why people will continue to argue on and on in order to save face, even after they discover that they are wrong. You can then imagine how the society will react to anyone who is parochial and argumentative. Such a person does not usually enjoy societal acceptance, and the degree that the society accepts you is the degree to which you can be integrated therein for your own good. Here is Carnegie’s (1940:132-133) advice on how to treat argument:

I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants being more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.  You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.

So rather than indulge in an argument that will end up fostering ill-will between you and others, why not expend your effort speaking on common grounds that will be of benefit to you all.  And in line with this beneficial discourse, let us now consider some of the right uses of the speaking skill for social development.

The first thing to note in this regard is that the content of your spoken communication is usually a strong indication of the workings of your mind as well as your total personality. The Bible says, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7), while another verse says, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). These passages establish the relationship between the man, his words and his thoughts. Benson (undated:154) says, “weak minds talk about people; mediocre minds talk about events, but great minds talk about ideas”.

In a related comment, Fieger also (2005) says:

Below average people talk about other people; average people talk about things, events and circumstances; above average people talk about ideas; supper successful people talk about their own ideas and visions.

He further expatiates thus:

Below average people are affirming the success (or failure) of others; average people are affirming the control that outside things, events and circumstances have on their success (or failure); above average people are affirming that it is ideas that contribute to success; super successful people are affirming that their own success and destiny is in their own ideas and visions.

All these tell you that a high expectation is required in the contents of your spoken communication with other people. Platitudes and other debased words should be far from your mouth as a communicator. Let us now consider the right application of the speaking skills in social discourse.

As stressed in the quotes above, exchange of ideas, ideals, and vision with other people is usually a stimulating experience. It takes deep thinking and observation to derive ideas, ideals and vision. Therefore, a social intercourse geared toward this end cannot but be rewarding to all participants.  Although, it may not be so easy to be an idealist or visionary speaker at first, but continual effort will make it a habit and elevate the person above the level of the commons to the height of nobility.       

Self-disclosure is another positive use to which the tongue can be deployed for social integration.  According to Tardy and Dindia (1997), self-disclosure has the potential to change the direction, the definition, as well as the intensity of relationships.  They also posit that it helps in the initiation and maintenance of meaningful relationship, hence the social development of the persons involved.

The last recommended use of the tongue in social discourse, which we shall consider in this paper, is Appreciation or Positive Reinforcement, as it is otherwise called. Words of appreciation and compliment cost a speaker nothing but his or her ego. And since most people do not want to see others better than themselves, they would rather hold back the compliment or words of encouragement due to such persons so that they do not affirm the betterment of that person compared to themselves.

However, in order to achieve social integration, a communicator has to live above himself and express sincere compliment to whom it is due. By doing this, you are not just making yourself acceptable, but you are also adding immense value to the other person by reinforcing him or her to repeat in the future the noble act for which you are complimenting him.

Indeed, in the words of Benson (undated), we all live by encouragement and die without it – slowly, sadly and angrily. Workers need the encouragement of their superiors to perform better; bosses need the positive feedback of their workers to do better; children need the encouragement of their parents to develop into rounded individuals; parents need the appreciation of their children to boost their self esteem; husband and wife, friends, and colleagues need the encouragement of one another to perform better. So, it is a symbiotic phenomenon.           

To wrap up our discourse on the importance of appreciation in enhancing social fitness, let us consider the words of Charles Schwab, former president of the US Steel and one of the first two people to ever earn a million dollars as salary in a year.  He is quoted by Carnegie (1940:43-44) to have said:

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men… the greatest asset I posses, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.

There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticism from his superiors. I never criticize anyone… I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise

In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great men in various parts of the world… I have yet to find the man, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth a greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.

No wonder he was considered one of the finest men in corporate history. Anyone who wants the world to beat a footpath to his house must be generous with compliment and encouragement. There is no better way to always have good company around you than by lavishing praise on and approbating people heartily.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 7)

Speaking for Personal Development

Speaking, the second communication skill that humans involve in mostly, is our next focus.  And we shall look at it in the light of “how” it can be used for various forms of personal development.

Speaking for Emotional Development

Self-disclosure is perhaps the most important way to use the spoken words for emotional wholeness. Tardy and Dindia (1997:213) define self-disclosure as “the process whereby people verbally reveal themselves to others”. Many people have bottled-up secrets, fears, and feelings of inadequacy which they would not share/reveal with/to someone else for fear of being rejected or dropping in such person’s esteem. And so they continue to tag along in life, wearing cheerful countenance, preferring to bear alone the agony of their challenges rather than the risk of sharing it with someone else.

Osborne (1997:9), remarking on this phenomenon, says:

Each of us is in a state of tension between the need to reveal and the need to conceal ourselves.  We have an urge to share our true feelings, but we fear that we shall become vulnerable, that we shall be rejected or criticized.  As a result, we tend to settle for commonplace discussions about the superficialities of life.

Most people are ignorant of the fact that such dammed up tensions may lead to all kinds of neurosis or outright insanity. The best way, therefore, to attain emotional healthiness is to have one or two confidante(s) among your friends whom you can unburden to regularly. The irony of self-disclosure is that the revelation that most fear would drive people away from them usually have the opposite effect, as the person entrusted with such confidence about the weaknesses and inadequacies of his friend usually ends up understanding, respecting and loving him the more. Osborne (1997:23-24) further expatiates on this:

Invisible barriers prevent us from knowing and loving each other… loneliness and sense of isolation are experienced by reluctance to reveal ourselves to others for fear of rejection… the more others learn about us, the easier it is for them to accept and love us.  No one can love a mask. As we remove our mask we find ourselves being accepted at a new level… You may never have thought of yourself as lonely, but the feeling is there just the same, unless you have broken through the barrier of your fear of rejection.  And when you can reveal your true self, however slightly, you will find yourself accepted and loved at a new level…. you will come to know yourself, while revealing yourself to others for fear of being known by others is no greater than our fear of knowing ourselves.

The second way to use speaking for emotional development is through affirmation. Affirmation is the act of stating as obvious what you want to be, even when all indications are pointing to the contrary. Fieger (2004), commenting on this concept says:

The words you speak, to yourself and others, define the quality and the content of your thoughts and beliefs, AND, they affirm your reality. Therefore, you must always talk about that which you desire to be made manifest in your life.  Why waste your breath talking about trivialities, when you can be talking about what is really important to you?

Although the concept of affirmation may sound nonsensical to some people, the truth is that it holds a great potential for personal transformation for anyone who faithfully observes it. A man who cultivates the habit of speaking positively (to himself) in terms of what he is getting or doing rather than what he does not have is sure to have a positive attitude. He will also have Providence opening his generous doors to him at every turn. While the man who incessantly bemoans his lack and inabilities may never cease experiencing difficulties. The Bible sums up this human experience thus: “The power of life and death is in the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21).