Speaking for Social Integration
Speaking can
be a great social asset to anyone who uses it wisely. This presupposes that
there are unwise uses of the mouth. Some of the ways words can be used unwisely
include:
§ Criticism
and condemnation
§ Argument
§ Insulting
or Abusing another/Denigration of another person.
On the other
hand, the productive use of the spoken words can enhance one’s social
acceptance and integration. Some of the positive uses of the tongue towards
social development are:
§ Encouragement
or positive reinforcement
§ Appreciation
of the other person
§ Counsel
and advice
Let us first
examine the various wrong uses of the words in social interaction: Criticism is
one thing most of us find so easy to do: we criticize the government, we
criticize our friends and colleagues, we criticize our leaders and bosses; and
we criticize people who are not even remotely related to us. However, the
amusing part of this is that most of us never or rarely criticize ourselves. We
are the saints in the spectrum of our own opinion.
Meanwhile, if
you must fare well in the society of men, one lesson you must learn very well
is how to keep your critical opinion of others to yourself; you must learn to
be less judgmental and accept people for what they are, warts and all. Just
like you and I, people rarely criticize themselves for whatever reason. If
asked, everyone would proffer a reason for doing whatever they are being
criticized for - irrespective of how unreasonable it may sound to others. Therefore, criticizing such a person will
definitely not be the best way to ingratiate yourself, but a sure way of ending
up in his black book forever. Carnegie (1940:35) says this better:
If
you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the
decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging
criticism – no matter how certain we are that it is justified.
When
dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of
logic. We are dealing with creatures of
emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
This tells us
what a great harm we cause others by indulging in the easy act of
criticism. Anyone who is habitually
critical will not have friends, as people will avoid intimate relationship with
him. For as the Bible says, a man who would have many friends must first make
himself friendly, not by criticism, but by warm disposition.
While
criticism is a negative comment on the action, attitude, works, or behaviour of
someone else, condemnation is a judgmental remark about someone’s personality.
Condemnation is stronger and more dangerous than criticism because of its
directness.
Anyone who is
critical will also be judgmental. And a judgmental person rarely has friends
due to his disposition. People avoid such a person like a plague because they
are not usually good company to have around. A critical and judgmental person
cannot integrate well in the society because people will not accept him except
they have no choice.
Besides,
habitually condemning others is playing God. This, in itself, is a most
grievous offence because there is no perfect person under heaven, and so no
mortal has the locus standi to judge the personality of another.
Moreover, the only perfect Person Who has ever lived did not go around
condemning people in His days, which makes it more unjustifiable for any lesser
mortal to do so; instead He welcomed all to Himself and was especially friendly
with those who were considered outcast in the society because of their
intolerable vices.
The case of a
woman who was “caught in the very act” of adultery was particularly striking in
this instance. Knowing His disposition
to all sinners, the Pharisees and experts in the law dragged the woman to Him
desiring to hear His opinion before they go ahead anyway to stone her to death
as the law decreed for such offence:
They said to
Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses,
in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?” This
they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him.
But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He
did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said
to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throne a stone at her
first”. And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard
it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with
the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing
in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He
said to her, “woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned
you?” She said, “No one, Lord”. And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I
condemn you; go and sin no more. (John 8:4-11).
In this wise,
Carnegie (1940:36), quoting Johnson, says “God Himself does not propose to
judge a man until the end of his days, why should I?”
Argument is
another wrong use of the mouth because it breeds nothing but ill will. Nobody
likes to lose an argument, which is why people will continue to argue on and on
in order to save face, even after they discover that they are wrong. You can
then imagine how the society will react to anyone who is parochial and
argumentative. Such a person does not usually enjoy societal acceptance, and
the degree that the society accepts you is the degree to which you can be
integrated therein for your own good. Here is Carnegie’s (1940:132-133) advice
on how to treat argument:
I
have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get
the best of an argument and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would
rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each
of the contestants being more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely
right. You can’t win an argument. You
can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
So rather than
indulge in an argument that will end up fostering ill-will between you and
others, why not expend your effort speaking on common grounds that will be of
benefit to you all. And in line with
this beneficial discourse, let us now consider some of the right uses of the
speaking skill for social development.
The first
thing to note in this regard is that the content of your spoken communication
is usually a strong indication of the workings of your mind as well as your
total personality. The Bible says, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he”
(Proverbs 23:7), while another verse says, “out of the overflow of the heart,
the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). These passages establish the relationship
between the man, his words and his thoughts. Benson (undated:154) says, “weak
minds talk about people; mediocre minds talk about events, but great minds talk
about ideas”.
In a related
comment, Fieger also (2005) says:
Below
average people talk about other people; average people talk about things,
events and circumstances; above average people talk about ideas; supper
successful people talk about their own ideas and visions.
He further
expatiates thus:
Below
average people are affirming the success (or failure) of others; average people
are affirming the control that outside things, events and circumstances have on
their success (or failure); above average people are affirming that it is ideas
that contribute to success; super successful people are affirming that their
own success and destiny is in their own ideas and visions.
All these tell you that a high
expectation is required in the contents of your spoken communication with other
people. Platitudes and other debased words should be far from your mouth as a
communicator. Let us now consider the right application of the speaking skills
in social discourse.
As stressed in
the quotes above, exchange of ideas, ideals, and vision with other people is
usually a stimulating experience. It takes deep thinking and observation to
derive ideas, ideals and vision. Therefore, a social intercourse geared toward
this end cannot but be rewarding to all participants. Although, it may not be so easy to be an
idealist or visionary speaker at first, but continual effort will make it a
habit and elevate the person above the level of the commons to the height of
nobility.
Self-disclosure
is another positive use to which the tongue can be deployed for social
integration. According to Tardy and
Dindia (1997), self-disclosure has the potential to change the direction, the
definition, as well as the intensity of relationships. They also posit that it helps in the
initiation and maintenance of meaningful relationship, hence the social
development of the persons involved.
The last
recommended use of the tongue in social discourse, which we shall consider in
this paper, is Appreciation or Positive Reinforcement, as it is otherwise
called. Words of appreciation and compliment cost a speaker nothing but his or
her ego. And since most people do not want to see others better than
themselves, they would rather hold back the compliment or words of
encouragement due to such persons so that they do not affirm the betterment of
that person compared to themselves.
However, in
order to achieve social integration, a communicator has to live above himself
and express sincere compliment to whom it is due. By doing this, you are not
just making yourself acceptable, but you are also adding immense value to the
other person by reinforcing him or her to repeat in the future the noble act
for which you are complimenting him.
Indeed, in the
words of Benson (undated), we all live by encouragement and die without it –
slowly, sadly and angrily. Workers need the encouragement of their superiors to
perform better; bosses need the positive feedback of their workers to do
better; children need the encouragement of their parents to develop into
rounded individuals; parents need the appreciation of their children to boost
their self esteem; husband and wife, friends, and colleagues need the
encouragement of one another to perform better. So, it is a symbiotic
phenomenon.
To wrap up our
discourse on the importance of appreciation in enhancing social fitness, let us
consider the words of Charles Schwab, former president of the US Steel and one
of the first two people to ever earn a million dollars as salary in a
year. He is quoted by Carnegie
(1940:43-44) to have said:
I
consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men… the greatest asset I
posses, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and
encouragement.
There
is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticism from his
superiors. I never criticize anyone… I am anxious to praise but loath to find
fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my
praise
In
my wide association in life, meeting with many and great men in various parts
of the world… I have yet to find the man, however great or exalted his station,
who did not do better work and put forth a greater effort under a spirit of
approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.
No wonder he was considered one of the finest men in
corporate history. Anyone who wants the world to beat a footpath to his house
must be generous with compliment and encouragement. There is no better way to
always have good company around you than by lavishing praise on and approbating
people heartily.
