Speaking can be a great social asset to
anyone who uses it wisely. This presupposes that there are unwise uses of the
mouth. Some of the ways words can be used unwisely include:
§ Criticism and
condemnation
§ Argument
§ Insulting or
Abusing another/Denigration of another person.
On the other hand, the productive use of
the spoken words can enhance one’s social acceptance and integration. Some of
the positive uses of the tongue towards social development are:
§ Encouragement or
positive reinforcement
§ Appreciation of
the other person
§ Counsel and
advice
Let us first examine the various wrong
uses of the words in social interaction: Criticism is one thing most of us find
so easy to do: we criticize the government, we criticize our friends and
colleagues, we criticize our leaders and bosses; and we criticize people who
are not even remotely related to us. However, the amusing part of this is that
most of us never or rarely criticize ourselves. We are the saints in the
spectrum of our own opinion.
Meanwhile, if you must fare well in the
society of men, one lesson you must learn very well is how to keep your
critical opinion of others to yourself; you must learn to be less judgmental
and accept people for what they are, warts and all. Just like you and I, people
rarely criticize themselves for whatever reason. If asked, everyone would
proffer a reason for doing whatever they are being criticized for -
irrespective of how unreasonable it may sound to others. Therefore, criticizing such a person will
definitely not be the best way to ingratiate yourself, but a sure way of ending
up in his black book forever. Carnegie (1940:35) says this better:
If you and I
want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and
endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism – no
matter how certain we are that it is justified.
When dealing
with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion,
creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
This tells us what a great harm we cause
others by indulging in the easy act of criticism. Anyone who is habitually critical will not
have friends, as people will avoid intimate relationship with him. For as the
Bible says, a man who would have many friends must first make himself friendly,
not by criticism, but by warm disposition.
While criticism is a negative comment on
the action, attitude, works, or behaviour of someone else, condemnation is a
judgmental remark about someone’s personality. Condemnation is stronger and
more dangerous than criticism because of its directness.
Anyone who is critical will also be
judgmental. And a judgmental person rarely has friends due to his disposition.
People avoid such a person like a plague because they are not usually good
company to have around. A critical and judgmental person cannot integrate well
in the society because people will not accept him except they have no choice.
Besides, habitually condemning others is
playing God. This, in itself, is a most grievous offence because there is no
perfect person under heaven, and so no mortal has the locus standi to
judge the personality of another. Moreover, the only perfect Person Who has
ever lived did not go around condemning people in His days, which makes it more
unjustifiable for any lesser mortal to do so; instead He welcomed all to
Himself and was especially friendly with those who were considered outcast in the
society because of their intolerable vices.
The case of a woman who was “caught in
the very act” of adultery was particularly striking in this instance. Knowing His disposition to all sinners, the
Pharisees and experts in the law dragged the woman to Him desiring to hear His
opinion before they go ahead anyway to stone her to death as the law decreed
for such offence:
They said to
Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses,
in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?” This
they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him.
But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He
did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said
to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throne a stone at her
first”. And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard
it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with
the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing
in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He
said to her, “woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned
you?” She said, “No one, Lord”. And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I
condemn you; go and sin no more. (John 8:4-11).
In this wise, Carnegie (1940:36),
quoting Johnson, says “God Himself does not propose to judge a man until the
end of his days, why should I?”
Argument is another wrong use of the
mouth because it breeds nothing but ill will. Nobody likes to lose an argument,
which is why people will continue to argue on and on in order to save face,
even after they discover that they are wrong. You can then imagine how the
society will react to anyone who is parochial and argumentative. Such a person
does not usually enjoy societal acceptance, and the degree that the society
accepts you is the degree to which you can be integrated therein for your own
good. Here is Carnegie’s (1940:132-133) advice on how to treat argument:
I have come to
the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of
an argument and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would rattlesnakes and
earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the
contestants being more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely
right. You can’t win an argument. You
can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
So rather than indulge in an argument
that will end up fostering ill-will between you and others, why not expend your
effort speaking on common grounds that will be of benefit to you all. And in line with this beneficial discourse,
let us now consider some of the right uses of the speaking skill for social
development.
The first thing to note in this regard
is that the content of your spoken communication is usually a strong indication
of the workings of your mind as well as your total personality. The Bible says,
“as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7), while another verse
says, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). These
passages establish the relationship between the man, his words and his
thoughts. Benson (undated:154) says, “weak minds talk about people; mediocre
minds talk about events, but great minds talk about ideas”.
In a related comment, Fieger also (2005)
says:
Below average
people talk about other people; average people talk about things, events and
circumstances; above average people talk about ideas; supper successful people
talk about their own ideas and visions.
He further expatiates thus:
Below
average people are affirming the success (or failure) of others; average people
are affirming the control that outside things, events and circumstances have on
their success (or failure); above average people are affirming that it is ideas
that contribute to success; super successful people are affirming that their
own success and destiny is in their own ideas and visions.
All these tell you that a high
expectation is required in the contents of your spoken communication with other
people. Platitudes and other debased words should be far from your mouth as a
communicator. Let us now consider the right application of the speaking skills
in social discourse.
As stressed in the quotes above,
exchange of ideas, ideals, and vision with other people is usually a
stimulating experience. It takes deep thinking and observation to derive ideas,
ideals and vision. Therefore, a social intercourse geared toward this end
cannot but be rewarding to all participants.
Although, it may not be so easy to be an idealist or visionary speaker
at first, but continual effort will make it a habit and elevate the person
above the level of the commons to the height of nobility.
Self-disclosure is another positive use
to which the tongue can be deployed for social integration. According to Tardy and Dindia (1997),
self-disclosure has the potential to change the direction, the definition, as
well as the intensity of relationships.
They also posit that it helps in the initiation and maintenance of
meaningful relationship, hence the social development of the persons involved.
The last recommended use of the tongue
in social discourse, which we shall consider in this paper, is Appreciation or
Positive Reinforcement, as it is otherwise called. Words of appreciation and
compliment cost a speaker nothing but his or her ego. And since most people do
not want to see others better than themselves, they would rather hold back the
compliment or words of encouragement due to such persons so that they do not
affirm the betterment of that person compared to themselves.
However, in order to achieve social
integration, a communicator has to live above himself and express sincere
compliment to whom it is due. By doing this, you are not just making yourself
acceptable, but you are also adding immense value to the other person by
reinforcing him or her to repeat in the future the noble act for which you are
complimenting him.
Indeed, in the words of Benson
(undated), we all live by encouragement and die without it – slowly, sadly and
angrily. Workers need the encouragement of their superiors to perform better;
bosses need the positive feedback of their workers to do better; children need
the encouragement of their parents to develop into rounded individuals; parents
need the appreciation of their children to boost their self esteem; husband and
wife, friends, and colleagues need the encouragement of one another to perform
better. So, it is a symbiotic phenomenon.
To wrap up our discourse on the
importance of appreciation in enhancing social fitness, let us consider the
words of Charles Schwab, former president of the US Steel and one of the first
two people to ever earn a million dollars as salary in a year. He is quoted by Carnegie (1940:43-44) to have
said:
I consider my
ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men… the greatest asset I posses, and
the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.
There is nothing
else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticism from his superiors. I
never criticize anyone… I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I
like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise
In my wide
association in life, meeting with many and great men in various parts of the
world… I have yet to find the man, however great or exalted his station, who
did not do better work and put forth a greater effort under a spirit of
approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.
No
wonder he was considered one of the finest men in corporate history. Anyone who
wants the world to beat a footpath to his house must be generous with
compliment and encouragement. There is no better way to always have good
company around you than by lavishing praise on and approbating people heartily.
