Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 11)

Speaking for Professional Development

The art of elocution is one of the greatest personal assets one can use for personal advancement.  The extent to which one has this skill will play a great role in how he is esteemed by others as well as his ascension of the corporate ladder.  Lending credence to this verity, Depew, as cited by Carnegie (1957:19), says: ‘There is no other accomplishment which any man can have that will so quickly make for him a career and secure recognition as the ability to speak acceptably’.

                                        

The art of speaking in this regard is not limited to public speaking alone.  Other contexts of speech communication are included as well. A man who has a good command of his language of communication will always enjoy preferential consideration at the workplace above his colleagues who are not as endowed. Carnegie (1957:19), while enumerating the benefits of possessing a good speaking skill, says:

 

What additional self-confidence the ability to talk more convincingly in public will mean to you. Think of what it may mean and what it ought to mean in dollars and cents. Think of what it may mean to you socially; of the friends it will bring, of the increase of your personal influence, of the leadership it will give you. And it will give you leadership more rapidly than almost any other activity you can think of or imagine.

 

Beside facilitating accelerated promotion and influence at the work place, the art of elocution will also bring in more clients, customers and supporters for those whose stock in trade involves much speaking, either in public or to individuals. It therefore behoves anyone who aspire to pursue a career in this line to thoroughly learn his subject matter, the mechanics of his language of communication, as well as the art of effective delivery. These are the ingredients that will determine, to a large extent, how he fares in his chosen vocation.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 10)

Speaking for Social Integration 

Speaking can be a great social asset to anyone who uses it wisely. This presupposes that there are unwise uses of the mouth. Some of the ways words can be used unwisely include:

§  Criticism and condemnation

§  Argument

§  Insulting or Abusing another/Denigration of another person.

On the other hand, the productive use of spoken words can enhance one’s social acceptance and integration. Some of the positive uses of the tongue towards social development are:

§  Encouragement or positive reinforcement

§  Appreciation of the other person

§  Counsel and advice

Let us first examine the various wrong uses of the words in social interaction: Criticism is one thing most of us find so easy to do: we criticize the government, we criticize our friends and colleagues, we criticize our leaders and bosses, and we criticize people who are not even remotely related to us. However, the amusing part of this is that most of us never or rarely criticize ourselves. We are the saints in the spectrum of our own opinion.

Meanwhile, if you must fare well in the society of men, one lesson you must learn very well is how to keep your critical opinion of others to yourself; you must learn to be less judgmental and accept people for what they are, warts and all. Just like you and I, people rarely criticize themselves for whatever reason. If asked, everyone would proffer a reason for doing whatever they are being criticized for - irrespective of how unreasonable it may sound to others.  Therefore, criticizing such a person will definitely not be the best way to ingratiate yourself, but a sure way of ending up in his black book forever. Carnegie (1940:35) says this better:

If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism – no matter how certain we are that it is justified. 

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

This tells us what a great harm we cause others by indulging in the easy act of criticism.  Anyone who is habitually critical will not have friends, as people will avoid intimate relationship with him. For as the Bible says, a man who would have many friends must first make himself friendly, not by criticism, but by warm disposition.

While criticism is a negative comment on the action, attitude, works, or behaviour of someone else, condemnation is a judgmental remark about someone’s personality. Condemnation is stronger and more dangerous than criticism because of its directness.

Anyone who is critical will also be judgmental. And a judgmental person rarely has friends due to his disposition. People avoid such a person like a plague because they are not usually good company to have around. A critical and judgmental person cannot integrate well in the society because people will not accept him except they have no choice.

Besides, habitually condemning others is playing God. This, in itself, is a most grievous offence because there is no perfect person under heaven, and so no mortal has the locus standi to judge the personality of another. Moreover, the only perfect Person Who has ever lived did not go around condemning people in His days, which makes it more unjustifiable for any lesser mortal to do so; instead He welcomed all to Himself and was especially friendly with those who were considered outcast in the society because of their intolerable vices.

The case of a woman who was “caught in the very act” of adultery was particularly striking in this instance.  Knowing His disposition to all sinners, the Pharisees and experts in the law dragged the woman to Him desiring to hear His opinion before they go ahead anyway to stone her to death as the law decreed for such offence:

They said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throne a stone at her first”. And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”  She said, “No one, Lord”.  And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more. (John 8:4-11).

In this wise, Carnegie (1940:36), quoting Johnson, says “God Himself does not propose to judge a man until the end of his days, why should I?”

Argument is another wrong use of the mouth because it breeds nothing but ill will. Nobody likes to lose an argument, which is why people will continue to argue on and on in order to save face, even after they discover that they are wrong. You can then imagine how the society will react to anyone who is parochial and argumentative. Such a person does not usually enjoy societal acceptance, and the degree that the society accepts you is the degree to which you can be integrated therein for your own good. Here is Carnegie’s (1940:132-133) advice on how to treat argument:

I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would rattlesnakes and earthquakes. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants being more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.  You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.

So rather than indulge in an argument that will end up fostering ill-will between you and others, why not expend your effort speaking on common grounds that will be of benefit to you all.  And in line with this beneficial discourse, let us now consider some of the right uses of the speaking skill for social development.

The first thing to note in this regard is that the content of your spoken communication is usually a strong indication of the workings of your mind as well as your total personality. The Bible says, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7), while another verse says, “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). These passages establish the relationship between the man, his words and his thoughts. Benson (undated:154) says, “weak minds talk about people; mediocre minds talk about events, but great minds talk about ideas”.

In a related comment, Fieger also (2005) says:

Below average people talk about other people; average people talk about things, events and circumstances; above average people talk about ideas; supper successful people talk about their own ideas and visions.

He further expatiates thus:

Below average people are affirming the success (or failure) of others; average people are affirming the control that outside things, events and circumstances have on their success (or failure); above average people are affirming that it is ideas that contribute to success; super successful people are affirming that their own success and destiny is in their own ideas and visions.

All these tell you that a high expectation is required in the contents of your spoken communication with other people. Platitudes and other debased words should be far from your mouth as a communicator. Let us now consider the right application of the speaking skills in social discourse.

As stressed in the quotes above, exchange of ideas, ideals, and vision with other people is usually a stimulating experience. It takes deep thinking and observation to derive ideas, ideals and vision. Therefore, a social intercourse geared toward this end cannot but be rewarding to all participants.  Although, it may not be so easy to be an idealist or visionary speaker at first, but continual effort will make it a habit and elevate the person above the level of the commons to the height of nobility.       

Self-disclosure is another positive use to which the tongue can be deployed for social integration.  According to Tardy and Dindia (1997), self-disclosure has the potential to change the direction, the definition, as well as the intensity of relationships.  They also posit that it helps in the initiation and maintenance of meaningful relationship, hence the social development of the persons involved.

The last recommended use of the tongue in social discourse, which we shall consider in this paper, is Appreciation or Positive Reinforcement, as it is otherwise called. Words of appreciation and compliment cost a speaker nothing but his or her ego. And since most people do not want to see others better than themselves, they would rather hold back the compliment or words of encouragement due to such persons so that they do not affirm the betterment of that person compared to themselves.

However, in order to achieve social integration, a communicator has to live above himself and express sincere compliment to whom it is due. By doing this, you are not just making yourself acceptable, but you are also adding immense value to the other person by reinforcing him or her to repeat in the future the noble act for which you are complimenting him.

Indeed, in the words of Benson (undated), we all live by encouragement and die without it – slowly, sadly and angrily. Workers need the encouragement of their superiors to perform better; bosses need the positive feedback of their workers to do better; children need the encouragement of their parents to develop into rounded individuals; parents need the appreciation of their children to boost their self esteem; husband and wife, friends, and colleagues need the encouragement of one another to perform better. So, it is a symbiotic phenomenon.           

To wrap up our discourse on the importance of appreciation in enhancing social fitness, let us consider the words of Charles Schwab, former president of the US Steel and one of the first two people to ever earn a million dollars as salary in a year.  He is quoted by Carnegie (1940:43-44) to have said:

I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men… the greatest asset I posses, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.

There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticism from his superiors. I never criticize anyone… I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise

In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great men in various parts of the world… I have yet to find the man, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth a greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.

No wonder he was considered one of the finest men in corporate history. Anyone who wants the world to beat a footpath to his house must be generous with compliment and encouragement. There is no better way to always have good company around you than by lavishing praise on and approbating people heartily.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 9)

Speaking for Personal Development

Speaking, the second communication skill that humans involved in mostly is our next focus.  And we shall look at it in the light of “how” it can be used for various forms of personal development.

Speaking for Emotional Development

Self-disclosure is perhaps the most important way to use the spoken words for emotional wholeness. Tardy and Dindia (1997:213) define self-disclosure as “the process whereby people verbally reveal themselves to others”. Many people have bottled-up secrets, fears, and feelings of inadequacy which they would not share/reveal with/to someone else for fear of being rejected or dropping in such a person’s esteem. And so they continue to tag along in life, wearing cheerful countenance, preferring to bear alone the agony of their challenges rather than the risk of sharing it with someone else.

Osborne (1997:9), remarking on this phenomenon, says:

Each of us is in a state of tension between the need to reveal and the need to conceal ourselves.  We have an urge to share our true feelings, but we fear that we shall become vulnerable, that we shall be rejected or criticized.  As a result, we tend to settle for commonplace discussions about the superficialities of life.

Most people are ignorant of the fact that such dammed up tensions may lead to all kinds of neurosis or outright insanity. The best way, therefore, to attain emotional healthiness is to have one or two confidante(s) among your friends whom you can unburden to regularly. The irony of self-disclosure is that the revelation that most fear would drive people away from them usually have the opposite effect, as the person entrusted with such confidence about the weaknesses and inadequacies of his friend usually ends up understanding, respecting and loving him the more. Osborne (1997:23-24) further expatiates on this:

Invisible barriers prevent us from knowing and loving each other… loneliness and sense of isolation are experienced by the reluctance to reveal ourselves to others for fear of rejection… the more others learn about us, the easier it is for them to accept and love us.  No one can love a mask. As we remove our mask we find ourselves being accepted at a new level… You may never have thought of yourself as lonely, but the feeling is there just the same unless you have broken through the barrier of your fear of rejection.  And when you can reveal you're true self, however slightly, you will find yourself accepted and loved at a new level…. you will come to know yourself while revealing yourself to others for fear of being known by others is no greater than our fear of knowing ourselves.

The second way to use speaking for emotional development is through affirmation. Affirmation is the act of stating as obvious what you want to be, even when all indications are pointing to the contrary. Fieger (2004), commenting on this concept says:

The words you speak, to yourself and others, define the quality and the content of your thoughts and beliefs, AND, they affirm your reality. Therefore, you must always talk about that which you desire to be made manifest in your life.  Why waste your breath talking about trivialities, when you can be talking about what is really important to you?

Although the concept of affirmation may sound nonsensical to some people, the truth is that it holds a great potential for personal transformation for anyone who faithfully observes it. A man who cultivates the habit of speaking positively (to himself) in terms of what he is getting or doing rather than what he does not have is sure to have a positive attitude. He will also have Providence opening his generous doors to him at every turn. While the man who incessantly bemoans his lack and inabilities may never cease experiencing difficulties. The Bible sums up this human experience thus: “The power of life and death is in the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21).

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 8)

Listening for Professional Development

No doubt we spend most hours of our days on our job, and a greater percentage of those hours are spent listening to our superiors, our colleagues, our subordinates, and even our clients and customers.  If you want to be the toast of your colleagues and clients, simply listen to them. Apart from this, the habit of attentive listening enhances your personal competence and performance on the job. The man who listens well will perform better than his colleagues who are less attentive. To this effect, Hybels and Weaver (2001:70) say:

Researchers have found that there is a direct connection between good listening skills and productivity on the job. When employees were given training in listening before they received training in computer techniques, they were more productive than employees who hadn’t had the listening training.

In a related comment, Carnegie (1940:102) quotes Eliot to have said: “there is no mystery about successful business intercourse… Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important.  Nothing else is as flattering as that”.

The importance of attentive listening for productivity at the workplace cannot be overstressed. By listening attentively to your superiors, you will always get the details of their instructions and carry out tasks with little or no mistake; by listening empathetically to your colleagues and subordinates, you are better positioned to help and/or enhance them to perform better; by patiently listening to your clients, you are able to get the essential feedback you need to improve your product or service and this will ultimately increase your bottom line.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 7)

Listening for Social Integration

The social aspect of man describes his relationships with the outside world. The extent to which man is accepted and esteemed by the society is dependent on the degree of his integration in the society.

No doubt every man desires to be liked and appreciated by everyone, although most will deny this. Carnegie (194:38), while summing this need of man to be liked, cites Williams James as saying that “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”.

Therefore, a man who wants to be seen as friendly and sociable by his fellow men must be a good listener. The Bible also lends credence to this verity, saying the man who would have many friends must himself be friendly (Proverbs 18:24), and being friendly in this sense means being an empathetic listener. Listening is one of the ways to appreciate people. Osborne (1997:10), citing Caldwell, beautifully captures this nature of man thus:

Man does not need to go to the moon or the solar systems.  He does not require bigger and better bombs and missiles. He will not die if he does not get better housing or more vitamins…

His basic needs are few, and it takes a little to acquire them, in spite of the advertisers. He can survive on a small amount of bread and the meanest shelter… 

His real need, his most terrible need, is for someone to listen to him, not as a patient; but as a human soul.

On the other hand, anyone who continually violates this law of appreciation and always assumes the centre of all conversations, without leaving room for others to speak, will have only himself to blame when he discovers that people are beginning to avoid him like the plague. Carnegie (1940:109) offers an insight into this situation:

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself.  If you have an idea while the other fellow is talking, don’t wait for him to finish. He isn’t as smart as you.  Why waste your time listening to his idle chatter? Burst right in and interrupt him in the middle of a sentence.

This sarcastic “recipe” underscores the need for every individual who seeks social integration to be ‘quick to listen and slow to speak’. If you want people to consider you a good company, listen to them. Its ingratiating power is amazing. 

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 6)

Listening for Mental and Emotional Development

A good listening habit is one of the indications of good breeding. Since the mental faculty, the Central Processing Unit (CPU) of the body can only retain and process the message or information inputted into it - as well as be enriched by it – it behoves every individual to cultivate a good listening habit by:

§  Paying attention and showing interest in the message being transmitted

§  Indicate to the speaker if he is understanding the message or not, and

§  Showing how he is reacting to the message by non-verbal cues (Beck et al, 2002).

The first way to use the listening skill to enhance your mental faculty and ensure a wholesome being is by being selective about what you listen to.  There is no better way to keep your mind healthy than to choose what you listen to. Knowledge is the food of the soul, just as the body thrives on viands and adornments.  However, it is not all the information that one is exposed to that he should listen to, for as the saying goes, ‘garbage in, garbage out’.  What you feed your brain is what you will express in speech or behaviour.

So, the first rule for using listening to achieve mental and emotional development is to choose what you listen to.  Platitudes and other forms of debased communication do nothing good to the soul.  They must therefore not be entertained, otherwise, the mind will process them, deposit them in the mental and emotion realm, and the man will live them eventually.

Capturing this phenomenon in another words, Allen (1902:4-5), in his timeless classic, says:

‘Men themselves are makers of themselves’ by virtue of the thoughts which they choose and encourage…(The) mind is the master weaver, both of the inner garment of character and the outer garment of circumstance...

As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought, and could not have appeared without them. This applies equally to those acts called “spontaneous” and “unpremeditated” as to those which are deliberately executed

Another way to enhance your mental and emotional capacity through listening is by attending seminars, lectures, workshops, conferences, and other intellect-simulating fora. By so doing, you will continually cultivate your mind, widen your horizon, and school your emotion, which is at best erratic.

Utilising Communication Skills for Personal Development (Part 5)

Listening for Personal Development

The International Listening Association, cited by Hybels and Weaver (2001:64), defines listening as “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from, and responding to spoken and/or non-verbal messages”. Listening goes beyond being an important communication skill, it is a way of life. Most of our conscious and unconscious communication efforts are geared toward listening. A research reveals that listening takes 53% of our communication activities, reading 17%, while speaking and writing constitute 16% and 14% respectively (Hybels and Weaver, 2001:70).

However, this statistics notwithstanding, it is rather pathetic that most people have a poor listening habit. They listen without really listening. Lamenting on this anomaly, Benson (updated:155) says:

The art of listening is an essential but oft-overlooked element of good communication. Genuine listening has become one of the endangered species. God gave each of us two ears and one mouth – perhaps he intended that we use them proportionally.

 The tendency common to most people is to ego speak, a term which communication experts coined to describe people’s desire to listen to themselves more than anyone else:

Egospeak is thinking of what you’re going to say next while another person is trying to talk to you.  Jumping in before, or on, the other person’s last word. Constantly trying to top the other person’s story(Benson, updated:155).

In a similar vein, Beck et al (2002:12) distinguish between hearing (which is what most people really do) and listening. They note that:         

It is useful to make a distinction between hearing and listening.  Most people can hear, in that they can receive and distinguish sound within a specific frequency range. Hearing, however, is a passive activity. It is something that happens to us, rather than something that we do.  On the other hand, listening is active… ‘People hear but do not listen’. In a class or lecture, it is very likely you will hear the words being spoken. You may not necessarily listen to them.

With this background on listening, let us now proceed to see how it can be utilized for personal development at different levels.