Speaking for Social Integration

Speaking can be a great social asset to anyone who uses it wisely. This presupposes that there are unwise uses of the mouth. Some of the ways words can be used unwisely include:

§  Criticism and condemnation

§  Argument

§  Insulting or Abusing another/Denigration of another person.

On the other hand, the productive use of the spoken words can enhance one’s social acceptance and integration. Some of the positive uses of the tongue towards social development are:

§  Encouragement or positive reinforcement

§  Appreciation of the other person

§  Counsel and advice

Let us first examine the various wrong uses of the words in social interaction: Criticism is one thing most of us find so easy to do: we criticize the government, we criticize our friends and colleagues, we criticize our leaders and bosses; and we criticize people who are not even remotely related to us. However, the amusing part of this is that most of us never or rarely criticize ourselves. We are the saints in the spectrum of our own opinion.

Meanwhile, if you must fare well in the society of men, one lesson you must learn very well is how to keep your critical opinion of others to yourself; you must learn to be less judgmental and accept people for what they are, warts and all. Just like you and I, people rarely criticize themselves for whatever reason. If asked, everyone would proffer a reason for doing whatever they are being criticized for - irrespective of how unreasonable it may sound to others.  Therefore, criticizing such a person will definitely not be the best way to ingratiate yourself, but a sure way of ending up in his black book forever. Carnegie (1940:35) says this better:

If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow that may rankle across the decades and endure until death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism – no matter how certain we are that it is justified. 

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic.  We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

This tells us what a great harm we cause others by indulging in the easy act of criticism.  Anyone who is habitually critical will not have friends, as people will avoid intimate relationship with him. For as the Bible says, a man who would have many friends must first make himself friendly, not by criticism, but by warm disposition.

While criticism is a negative comment on the action, attitude, works, or behaviour of someone else, condemnation is a judgmental remark about someone’s personality. Condemnation is stronger and more dangerous than criticism because of its directness.

Anyone who is critical will also be judgmental. And a judgmental person rarely has friends due to his disposition. People avoid such a person like a plague because they are not usually good company to have around. A critical and judgmental person cannot integrate well in the society because people will not accept him except they have no choice.

Besides, habitually condemning others is playing God. This, in itself, is a most grievous offence because there is no perfect person under heaven, and so no mortal has the locus standi to judge the personality of another. Moreover, the only perfect Person Who has ever lived did not go around condemning people in His days, which makes it more unjustifiable for any lesser mortal to do so; instead He welcomed all to Himself and was especially friendly with those who were considered outcast in the society because of their intolerable vices.

The case of a woman who was “caught in the very act” of adultery was particularly striking in this instance.  Knowing His disposition to all sinners, the Pharisees and experts in the law dragged the woman to Him desiring to hear His opinion before they go ahead anyway to stone her to death as the law decreed for such offence:

They said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear. So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throne a stone at her first”. And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?”  She said, “No one, Lord”.  And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more. (John 8:4-11).